Fuck

As it turns out, I did turn to my mother to help me get a student loan.  And, of course, it wasn't good enough.  We were still declined, I guess great credit isn't enough, you need to make a fortune as well.  So, I have to come up with $3000 in the next 20 days or I'll be dropped from all of my classes.  And, I still need another $2000 or so shortly after that to get everything I need to start the semester (but that's not as urgent).  Anyone know anybody I could blow to get $5000?

Also, Tristan found out that the job he was waiting for, the one that would have increased his income by 34%, fell through.  The job basically just went away.  So, this hasn't been the greatest of weeks. 

With me not having a job, and not wanting to just jump into a new one either, getting into school was my plan.  I have been trying to do for 3 years, agonizing again and again as something always got in the way.  And now, the rug is pulled out from underneath, yet again.  I would just really like something to go right for once, I don't feel like a I'm a bad person that deserves to constantly get shit on.  But, what do I know?

Fuck.

Declined

Figures...Tristan wasn't a qualified enough co-signer.  So, I need to find someone that is.  The only person I feel like I could ask is my mom, but I really really don't want to.  She already co-signed for a previous student loan and for my car.  I just don't know if I can ask her to do any more.  I know so few who would qualify, but I really just don't want to put anyone in the position of feeling bad about saying no.

Waiting waiting waiting

I know things take time, and I know my chances are slim.  But, I have been waiting for Salliemae to finish processing my student loan application, and it is driving me crazy.  They need to hurry up, and it needs to be approved....I need something to go right, so I that I know I'm on the right track.

Decision

Well....I think I've actually made a decision.  I spoke to a friend of mine who is a chef, and I asked him about the realities of salary in the chef career.  He said it varies quite a bit depending on what kind of job you get.  He has made over $100,000.00/year as an executive chef at a restaurant in San Francisco, to as little as $17.00/hour as a Cook I as Disneyworld.  I decided that I can work with that.  I'm perfectly willing to re-locate when the time comes, so that I can make more money.  I just think that I will like this more, much more.  It may be intellectually lower than other career ideas, but it will give me much more of a creative outlet.  Not to mention how much fun the schooling will be.  

Now, I just have to find the money to get started.  I'm going to do both the Culinary Management and Baking & Pastry degrees at Valencia College.  I'm choosing Valencia because I can't move right now, and this school will be much cheaper than most, since it is a state school.  Fortunately (once I get Florida Residency back for the summer semester and beyond), the whole program should only cost around $12,000 (which over 6-7 semesters, isn't bad).  I just need about $4000 for the first semester and around $1500 each thereafter.  My only option is to get a private loan (which I don't know how much success I'll have with), or find a guardian angel who will loan/give me the money.   I guess I can always try the lottery as well.  I just have to pay for the first semester by 12/16 and I can finally get started with school again.  :)

Fucking Money!!!

Why does everything always boil down to money?  I can't stand the fact that so much of our lives have to revolve around this ridiculous concept.  The old cliche says that money can't buy you happiness.  But, you know what, it sure goes a long way towards it.  I think not worrying about being able to pay your bills every month is pretty damned good.  I think having a nice home and the ability to explore the world (both at home and far away) is pretty damned good.  You can't do any of that in this world without cash.

My point?  I'm glad you asked.  I have been struggling about career choices, wavering between what I really want to do and what would probably be right to do.  I think, more than anything, I want to be a chef.  But, there is no freaking money in it, at all.  I saw ads for cooks at very nice restaurants offering $10-$14 per hour.....that's nothing.  I'm 34 years old, I don't have time to build myself back up to what I have been most recently making.  It just kills me that there is no freaking money in this field, and that money has to be such a critical factor.  If I could just jump right into my own business, then I probably wouldn't care.  But, I don't have the start-up capital for that, and I probably never will making less than $50,000 a year as a chef.  And, frankly, I want to have a life.  I don't want to kill myself every night just to get by.

The only thing I think I can really settle on then, is being a medical technologist.  At least they start out at around $55,000-$60,000 annually.  It kills me, because I want to go to culinary school so bad, I just don't want to work as a chef.

What to do? What to do?

It's always difficult trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your life.  It's always been particularly difficult for me.  I think it's one of the pitfalls of being bright, you get interested in a lot of different things.  But, I have always been one of those people who becomes good at everything they put their mind to, not masterful but at least good.  I've wanted to do a lot of things: I was big into musical theater in high school, wanted to be in film afterward, studied psychology in college, even worked as a special effects make-up person for a couple of years.  I've been in ophthalmology, I love sailing and almost anything to do with the ocean (I really need to get back in scuba diving).  I've played the guitar off and on since I was 14, and I find astrophysics fascinating.

Now, of course, I have whittled it all down to just a few choices, but still I am not sure what I really want to do.  Each has their ups and downs, not to mention their risks.  Here's what I am toying with (in no particular order):

1)  Chef - I have been in love with cooking for years and years.  I am fascinated with culinary technique, and their is nothing more gratifying than pulling off a difficult dish.  I love to be able to give people my food and watch their reaction.  I would study both traditional savory cooking and baking/pastry, I love cooking regular food, but I also love the artistic and design elements of pastry.  My creative and constructive sides would really enjoy building things.

To do this, I would have to go to culinary school for a couple of years, which isn't so bad.  And then, trudge my way up the ladder of lower level chef jobs before getting the experience that I need to be a real chef.  I would eventually like to have my own place....I've always fantasized about creating a real english/irish public house here in the states (the kind with great food and an inn as well as the bar).  The problem with this direction is that it is a lot of hard manual work, being on your feet for hours on end every day.  Not to mention, late hours.  Plus, there isn't lot of money in being a chef, at least not until you have a successful business of your own.  But, if I got to that point, it would be worth it.  And, I don't need to be rich, I'd just like to be comfortable for once.

2) Physician Assistant - I have enjoyed the medical field quite a bit, and would continue to enjoy it in a higher level position.  I love being a diagnostician, being able to put together all the pieces to know what's going on with someone is really cool.  Plus, it would be a position with more power and less people over your shoulder.

However, it would require a couple years for school to re-do certain prerequisites.  Then grad school for the PA degree itself, which I may not even get into after spending tons of money just getting myself into a position to apply.  Then there are also the student loans I would have to get for the PA program itself.  Positive side is that it a well-paid, prestigious field (not quite as good as a doctor, but I'd rather have a life of my own).  I just don't know if I can take the risk of not getting in to the program at all, I want to get going and get settled into a real career.

3) Medical Technologist - I think I would enjoy this.  I loved microbiology lab in college, and I have always been good with medical equipment.  It would be an easy, do your job and go home kind of position.  Which is good, because I've never wanted to be married to my job, I'd rather be doing other things.  This is also a well-paying field, especially once you get into management.

Only drawback is a couple of years in school, studying a lot of fairly difficult stuff.  This seems to be the safest choice.


I just don't know which way to go.  I was convinced I wanted to go the medical technologist route, because the schooling was a little easier than the P.A. route, and it was more of a sure thing.  (But, it is also limited access.)  Then, I get cable back and start watching food network again, and I get reminded how much I love this stuff.  I just don't love the idea of killing myself in a kitchen every night.  Pastry would be a little easier, but I don't know.  I could definitely finish all of the culinary stuff a little quicker.  The last consideration is that I am a bit elitist, and I'm not sure if I would feel like I was selling myself short by going into a food career.

Maybe someone out there can help me figure this out?